A few more

 
A few more from our park trip yesterday. Ever notice how much better you can feel with just a little fresh air? It turns grumpy, sleepy babies into giggling, jumping bursts of happiness. It works on grumpy Mama's too. How quickly piles of laundry and to-do lists get forgotten when the rays of sun hit your face. The sound of my children's laughter as they dance through the bright blades of grass.

bliss. motherhood. happiness.

changes

It appears, as if overnight, my sweet, baby boy has grown up enough, to not need a crib. I'm still not really sure how he can be almost two already! The time seems to go faster & faster with each child as our family grows. I currently want to freeze everyone in place, so I can enjoy these ages just a "little" longer. So many things we think will never be forgotten, but they start to fade with time. The way one of the kids smiles at you with that mischievous twinkle in their eye each morning, a loved toy, favorite superhero traits, silly pronunciations, a funny joke told 80x a day. So perfect and seemingly solid in our minds, still they lose their potency with age. I guess I use photography and [this blog] to help remind me.

When the older two were little, I have every bit if their lives documented in photo's- favorite toy, bedrooms, play area's, bath time, lunches... on & on & on. I realized the other day that I have less of these kind of pictures for the little boys. So we snapped a few quick shots in their shared room. Little did I know at the time, it would be one of the last days, Baby {J} would be in the crib {officially}. Little monkey had started climbing out. The only thing holding back the transition was his Mama. It's hard letting go! At this point with the others, I would have had another bun in the oven and it was less sad for me. I'm having a hard time watching this one grow, knowing very well, he may be our last.

Successful Day

We had presents, a half eaten before frosted cake, and lots of handmade goodies. Add a few endless smiles, and it was a successful, happy day!

Big Man on Campus

I have never seen a more excited boy! Little {L} started preschool last week. We've been on the waiting list for the school located in his therapy center. When we received the call that they had an sudden opening, we jumped on it. He's made so much progress with his speech therapy so far, and this is just seeming to add just the right "extra" to his self esteem. I'm watching him bloom right before my eyes it seems. It's.... amazing!

I could not be happier for him, and at the same time a little sad. Neither of the older two children attended preschool, they have late birthday's so didn't start kindergarten until almost six years old. Then, we homeschooled for 2 years. {L} seems so little in comparison, but I already know it'd the right thing for him. Funny how we can birth, and raise children in the same way, but their own "person" needs always shine bright. I love that individualism!!

A few weeks into school and he LOVE it. Like jump out of bed and ask if it's a school day loves it. His little brother is desperately missing him asking over & over, "Where's L!!?" At school baby, remember? He promptly follows the response with asking 400 times, "why?". It's been nice to get in a little extra solo time with my baby though. He's growing faster than a weed, and soon I will be asking, "but why?" when he's off at school.

Playing at the park

 This past weekend was ALL about family time. I was loving it so much. Every once in a while, I nee dit. Just a weekend with no plans. Nothing we "have" to get to. Just hanging out, enjoying the company of each other. Sadly, these kind of weekends don't happen as often as I'd like. We always spend them together, but they are often filled with errands, birthday parties, trips to the grocery store and laundry. Ohhh man, am I gonna to moan catching up on the laundry this week. Funny thing are relaxing weekends, they accumulate lots of messes while in progress.

Over the weekend I was feeling so blessed. I'm so lucky to know and love, each of the children in our brood. Each has their own little qualities and quirks that delight {and sometimes drive me mad}. I love knowing when I wake up each day, I will hear, "I love you Mama". That my day will be filled with kisses and baby hands holding me tight. Right now I want to capture every little expression, and giggle, the little one's make and lock it away tight so I can revisit them at whim. They are growing faster and faster as the days pass. I watch the older kids and wish for the sweet unquestioning love they had for me while younger. I sigh and know they are growing and with that comes independence and questions and rebelling. {It does make my heart ache a little though} I want to hold onto to the lasting moments with the smaller ones while it still exists strong and free.

Sprinkles

 Every so often, I stumble upon the kids playing to sweetly, or creatively that I feel as if my heart will burst with love. Seeing them act kindly with each other, when earlier they were battling. Helping each other, just because, no incentive or rewards mapped out. Watching them paint and draw and describe their imaginary worlds and dreams. These are the moments I want to savor. They are founds woven throughout the daily rhythms of our lives-sprinkled here and there for color. Treasured.

I found my daughter fast asleep the other day with her dolls still all lined up for their party of tea and cookies.    A small glimpse into her little world. My daughter, my only daughter-so very grown, but still so small. I wanted to collect her in my arms and rock her, like so many times in the early years of her life. I miss her sweet little face, all round with baby fat. Her pigtails bouncing around as she sings & goes about her daily life of play. I miss homeschooling and having all my children at my side every moment of the day. Her little laugh echoing through the house. So much of our time right now involves shuffling kids to and from school, therapy, errands.... life. I am once again reminded to slow down, take a deep breathe and live in the moment. Before I know it she will be 15, and I will be thinking back on this moment. Thinking of her as littler still, my little Sleeping Beauty, growing up faster than this Mama likes to admit.

Grateful

I'm feeling so grateful for my family today, So grateful for their strength and humor over the past few months.  I find strength in our unity and the helps to push me along when I need prodding. Everyday I look at these four little souls that I helped create and feel so lucky to get to know them, hold them, be important to them. The baby has started saying, I love you Mama. Always at just the right moment, without warning or desire to earn something. His sweetness is never lost on me.

I struggle with February, each year. The time seems to crawl along. Little light, many hours of darkness in the day-this year filled with rain. Some days I lack the strength to look ahead to the brighter, sun filled, warm days of spring that creep closer each hour. Silly little things become huge annoyances and issues to me this month. I have to constantly remind myself to breathe and focus. Things I would ignore any other time of the year, start to pick & pull at my psyche and eat away at the core. Children get tired of being cooped up in the house and start to agitate each other out of boredom. Mama's nerves are grated thin this time of year.

The past two weeks I think I've done a good job at keeping ahead of the tiredness of winter, {especially this non-snow filled one} that always arises. I've tried to minimize the tension with lots of laughs, silliness with the kids, and dancing. Dancing always lightens the mood.  The baby just started potty training this week. That alone has kept my hours filled with chasing after him, reading crouched on the bathroom floor for what feels like hours, and jumping up & down in excitement with my proud boy.

While February will never be my favorite month, this one has definitively been one of the easiest for me. I have so much to be thankful for and have made that my current focus...  but Spring, I really can't wait till you arrive. We're old friends, I miss you. Text me so I know you're on your way soon enough.

This moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Join in at Soulemama.

Just me

Today I was thinking about me. Well, me as a thirteen year old. Truth is, it seems like just yesterday. I was suddenly struck with the recollection of just how much things mattered to me. Just silly, little things compared to now, but to thirteen, fourteen year old Jessica, they were earth shattering important. I chuckled  to myself and then a second idea dawned on me. My eight year old is FAR closer to thirteen than I am these days. OMG, I will in a few short years have a thirteen year old of my very own. A few year after that a whole household of teens. How did I get so far from my teenage self with just a blink of an eye?  

Truth is things are not always happy & rosy for us. That's reality of life. I've butted heads far to often with a too close to thirteen year old boy of mine. I will say that every time I think I have this mothering thing down, something new comes up. I laugh now at my naivety of two child, Mama Jess. Oh how easy and simple all my solutions were. As a mama to four now, I see just how complicated things with a tribe of children, can get sometimes. This new pre-teen stage has me reassessing everything I thought I knew again, as does the realization the unknown part, never ends. Honestly what is motherhood other than reassessing, and learning as we go. Trying to hold our heads up when we are down and sharing our glow when we are up. 

The thing is, I want my kids to know thirteen year old Jess. I want them to realize I wasn't always the woman nagging them to be nice to their brother, or clean up their dirty socks. I want them to know my passions and experiences. I want them to know that I was once a thirteen year old girl, who thought her parents were silly and life had to be better, easier, more exciting... somewhere out there- over the rainbow. I want to connect. I've decided to make a new effort to try and relate and remember what it feels like to be a kid. Not just a tired, sometimes overworked mama with a mile long to do list. It's still there inside of me. 

One of the first things to let go of was my "adult" aversion to being photographed lately. {Let's just say 4 kids in 6-ish odd years is not the easiest on the figure} The other day I realized the kids don't see the extra baby weight I see right now. They see their mama who they love. I want them to have pictures to look back on with their mom. So they can chuckle and laugh and pick apart the my hair, and clothing style in 20 years. So, I've been letting the kids take pictures of me-whatever they want, silly, serious, fancy, often out of focus, and depending on the photographer, lacking me in the photo at all.  Sometimes I make silly faces, {oh how luc loves those}, sometimes I smile, but always it's me there. Real, genuine Mama!