thirty.

Today I turn thirty! Yes, thirty. I remember a time when I thought I would never be that "old". It seems to have crept up on me overnight. I'm pretty sure I was just turning 25 yesterday. I'm not going to lie, the idea of now being in my thirties rather than late twenties has been haunting me over the past few weeks. I may, or may not have had a few mini-meltdowns about it all.

I am looking forward to all that the next ten years will bring though. I couldn't be a happier mama! I have four beautiful kids and a wonderful husband. Over the next few years I hope to expand Kunklebaby a bit to include my artwork, which means I need to "find" some time to paint again, possibly have one more baby [please honey...just one more. lol], watch my children grow and blossom into their own unique little people, spend more time with my husband just the two of us, get more sleep [just a little, please Binks], find time to workout everyday, learn how to knit better, laugh, smile and be happy.

Whatever my thirties hold for me, Bring it On!

Reflections

Sunday. It's 11am, I'm still in bed snuggling my little nursling. Warm cheek against my breast. Outside the door, a steady sound of controlled chaos creeps in, as the three older children play with their father. I don't want to wake up. I don't want this end. I don't want Monday to ever come. I've been up since 7am, these thoughts repeating in my head, as an endless cycle. One more hour. One more day. I miss my little girl [my only daughter] too much while she's off at school. Her little giggles do not echo through the house. Instead all I hear are the war cries of the boys. Boys and girls really are so very different! Monday means another day dropping her off. My heart cries, NO...stay, but instead I smile. It never reaches my eyes.

I lay here in bed holding my baby close. Baby number four. So many things I know now that I didn't with number one. so very many. Never grow old baby boy! Never age. Stay here in my arms like some mythological god, or peter pan-my babe. You smile and I know it's only time. Time whispers into my ears...school, college, independence, your own family someday. It's only a matter of time until I am no longer nuzzling your chubby feet. Instead I will be chasing your strong legs, as you learn to run. Running from me as I chase after you. Toddlerhood and on, and on. It's only a matter of time. A sadness washes over me as I realize this is the way it's supposed to be. I am lucky to know you, hold you, have you as mine, even if just for a little while.

I breathe a sigh, this idea doesn't bring me the comfort I seek. A sigh. A sigh for the things I cannot change. A sigh for my children, and mostly for me. Accept that Monday will come no matter how long I sit here in my make-shift nest. The one thing you cannot ignore is time. It comes whether celebrated or ignored. With one last kiss and a smile. We arise to see the rest of the family.

My heart still crying for tomorrow...