Welcome February

As I look back 

over my life

I am struck by post

           cards

Ruined snapshots

faded posters

Of a time, I can't recall

-Jim Morrison

I am working on putting January behind me. I hope the memory grows flimsy and transparent with time. The sting will dull, until all that remains is a small & distant picture in my head. Times passes. Does it heal all wounds? I think, no. It does allow them to fade and diminish in loudness & duration. They remain though, sitting below the surface, never quite gone. Able to to be cut deep into, if one knows the right tool. With time, a callous will form, disguising the original wound. Time goes on.

 I have welcomed this February as no other in my past. I welcome the change, and hope for the next month ahead. I've been thinking a lot about time lately and what it can bring us as it passes. My children grow. Strong legs, strong minds. I try to distract myself from the impermanence of it all. Someday, I too will be gone, and only a memory in their minds. A memory of faded snapshots, and soft spoken words. The future is theirs, I am just their bridge leading them to it. The days pass quickly, as they stretch higher to the sky. Each day growing in size and skills.

I think I am going to explore some of my thoughts on time in general,  this February. The longest, short month of the year. The start of the year has been a bit rough for us, but I have hope for the the rest of the year. It's darkest before dawn, and we are waiting for the sun, now.

changes

Turn and face the strain, chhhh-changes. I hear the David Bowie song in my head as I type. So many changes happening here. Little Miss M is growing up, it seems overnight! Another lost tooth for her last week. I don't know what it is about lost teeth, but it just seems so... grown up to me. I'm starting to miss my sweet, cherub faced little girl. The sounds of her feet, running through the house with her spiky pigtails dancing around as as she chased one of the cats to "hug". Those extra, extra long snuggles she perfected. Her little tidbits of childhood wisdom she would interject at- just. the. perfect. moments. As a toddler her eyes carried wisdom far superior to her numerical age. My old soul, my princess.

Her hugs have gotten a little shorter, her patience for mama a little less. More interest is swaying to her friends and school. Mama seems to no longer have all the answers [and some days none]. On one hand I feel deep sadness, like the loss of my friend. On the other, I try to understand it's the changes that need to take place as she grows into a strong, confident woman. I just hope she still needs her mama while she travels the journey- just a little.

The flower bud has to grow to bloom, but it still needs water & sunshine along the way.

Reflections

Sunday. It's 11am, I'm still in bed snuggling my little nursling. Warm cheek against my breast. Outside the door, a steady sound of controlled chaos creeps in, as the three older children play with their father. I don't want to wake up. I don't want this end. I don't want Monday to ever come. I've been up since 7am, these thoughts repeating in my head, as an endless cycle. One more hour. One more day. I miss my little girl [my only daughter] too much while she's off at school. Her little giggles do not echo through the house. Instead all I hear are the war cries of the boys. Boys and girls really are so very different! Monday means another day dropping her off. My heart cries, NO...stay, but instead I smile. It never reaches my eyes.

I lay here in bed holding my baby close. Baby number four. So many things I know now that I didn't with number one. so very many. Never grow old baby boy! Never age. Stay here in my arms like some mythological god, or peter pan-my babe. You smile and I know it's only time. Time whispers into my ears...school, college, independence, your own family someday. It's only a matter of time until I am no longer nuzzling your chubby feet. Instead I will be chasing your strong legs, as you learn to run. Running from me as I chase after you. Toddlerhood and on, and on. It's only a matter of time. A sadness washes over me as I realize this is the way it's supposed to be. I am lucky to know you, hold you, have you as mine, even if just for a little while.

I breathe a sigh, this idea doesn't bring me the comfort I seek. A sigh. A sigh for the things I cannot change. A sigh for my children, and mostly for me. Accept that Monday will come no matter how long I sit here in my make-shift nest. The one thing you cannot ignore is time. It comes whether celebrated or ignored. With one last kiss and a smile. We arise to see the rest of the family.

My heart still crying for tomorrow...

Motherhood is...

Finding happiness in the smallest of things. Before having children I never would have guessed how amazing little baby toes are!

I can't believe how much the "baby" has grown and changed in the last year. I took the first photo when he was one day old, on his way home from the hospital. He fell asleep on Daddy's lap all curled up this past weekend. So big, but still so little.