Back to school

Back to school is upon us again. Even as I write this, it's with a heavy heart. I miss my kids! Almost a week in, and while it's been easier for me than last year. This will never be easy. It's this time of year I miss homeschooling the most. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out at this point with the needs of our family. Also, these children of mine are flourishing at school- they are learning lots & enjoy it! What more could I ask for.

Things have been quiet here for awhile. At first, it was due to soaking up every minute of time I could with all my kids home for the summer. In that time, I also realized I was taking a much needed break. A break from making things for selling, a break from vending at shows, all of it. I worked on only things for keeping- it's been awhile. A break from the blog, or just the idea I HAD things to do. I'm starting to miss this little space now, and while I often take little breaks, so far I have always found the desire to return. I just listen to the little voice that says move away, rest, return- a bit more these days.

Posts will still be a little sporadic for awhile. My beloved camera needs sent in for repairs. {Can you hear those sobs} I truly feel like a part of my arm has been lopped off. I so often reach for my camera in a day that removing the behavior has been so hard for me. I'm not going to lie, close to traumatic-as silly as it sounds. So if anyone is needing Kunklebaby products, head over to the shop!! Haha, now is the time to help out with the fix camera fund.

We made it

We made it through the first, and second days of school. I should say I made it. The kids are beyond thrilled- with their teachers, friends, studies. I'm getting used to a much quieter house with just the two little one's at home. It was so strange today to have the house absolutely quiet for about an hour while the baby was napping, and Lucian, resting in bed [aka- pretending to be a robot in his room, and making a mess. A quiet mess though and this mama couldn't ask for anything more!] I love him in the lat picture. His face says it all "NOOOOooooooo, don't go guys!!"

Tomorrow marks the end of the first week. So far, it's gone by so much smoother, less stressful and anxiety filled than last year. While I do really miss the kids all day, everyone seems happy, and that makes me happiest of all!

School starts

Today marks the end of many things, [at least for the school year].
It's the end of an almost eight year run spending EVERY day of Dylan's life with him. It's been bittersweet for me to send him off to school. The end of entire days spent in the yard. The end of our summer days, the unity of all the kids together in one place. The end of "official" homeschooling, {for now}. The end of staying up late for impromptu movie nights with the kids. The end of the "chance" of sleeping in {not that it happened all summer. sigh}

With the end of some things brings the beginning of many others.
The new daily rhythm of schools. A focused year on Lucian, helping him to build up his self esteem and work on his speech/language. Lots of time to spend with just the little boys.  Preparing for fall {my favorite season of all}, then the darkness of winter, with blankets, snuggles, hats & mittens.

Today will be filled with lots of hugs... and a few tears from mama. A few endings and a few fresh starts.

Reflections

Sunday. It's 11am, I'm still in bed snuggling my little nursling. Warm cheek against my breast. Outside the door, a steady sound of controlled chaos creeps in, as the three older children play with their father. I don't want to wake up. I don't want this end. I don't want Monday to ever come. I've been up since 7am, these thoughts repeating in my head, as an endless cycle. One more hour. One more day. I miss my little girl [my only daughter] too much while she's off at school. Her little giggles do not echo through the house. Instead all I hear are the war cries of the boys. Boys and girls really are so very different! Monday means another day dropping her off. My heart cries, NO...stay, but instead I smile. It never reaches my eyes.

I lay here in bed holding my baby close. Baby number four. So many things I know now that I didn't with number one. so very many. Never grow old baby boy! Never age. Stay here in my arms like some mythological god, or peter pan-my babe. You smile and I know it's only time. Time whispers into my ears...school, college, independence, your own family someday. It's only a matter of time until I am no longer nuzzling your chubby feet. Instead I will be chasing your strong legs, as you learn to run. Running from me as I chase after you. Toddlerhood and on, and on. It's only a matter of time. A sadness washes over me as I realize this is the way it's supposed to be. I am lucky to know you, hold you, have you as mine, even if just for a little while.

I breathe a sigh, this idea doesn't bring me the comfort I seek. A sigh. A sigh for the things I cannot change. A sigh for my children, and mostly for me. Accept that Monday will come no matter how long I sit here in my make-shift nest. The one thing you cannot ignore is time. It comes whether celebrated or ignored. With one last kiss and a smile. We arise to see the rest of the family.

My heart still crying for tomorrow...

New Beginnings

These little feet have traveled far, over the past few years, but they have never traveled this far from Mama before.

With the start of school, I'm sending my only daughter off each day. She was so excited to be there-and not a tear, nor tinge of anxiety ever crossed her eyes. She disappeared into a sea of children without even a glance back to see the tears in her mothers eyes.

It's exciting & sad whirlwind all mixed up into one big emotion, I've never felt before. That's the thing about being a mother. As soon as you think you have something figured out or got it all together-you don't. I have been so used to having all my children at home with me-their entire lives. all four. Some of you may run screaming at the very idea, but I LOVED it! It's a new beginning with the family branching out into different directions, together, but physically apart at times.

The other day the kids and I were baking. While looking in the oven on our almost baked, cookies, Mr. {D} said: "Time sure does go fast sometimes, Mom". It sure does son, so much faster than you even know!


My little caterpillar is growing into a butterfly. Just don't fly too far, too quick, baby girl.

Summer's End

Summer is coming to an end for the first time...well in years, for me. This is the first year any of the kids will be in school-ever. Miss {M} will be attending a traditional school in less than 2 weeks! Homeschooling the older kids last year allowed the summer to just slowly fade into fall, and then onto winter in a smooth, seamless transition. We watched nature take us through the seasons and a growth of a new baby! I had no thoughts of, this is the last time for anything! Now all I can think is this is the last time of the summer at the park, the last time in the pool, chasing bugs freely through the yard, impromptu ice cream for breakfast mornings, or just hanging out watching movies on the couch with mama for a day. Let's face it, school changes things.

I'm excited that she is gaining independence and a greater sense of her self, but also really sad that she is gaining that independence, and more of herself, is less time with mama! I love homeschooling, but she asked if she could just "try" going to a school and we are going with it. She is hoping to make some friends--girls only she says, we have enough boys in the house already. Right now, Mr. {D} will probably be homeschooling again next year. He is on the waiting list at her school, so we'll see how that plays out in the next few days.

Sending the kids off to school is such a big milestone! It feels not only like the end of the summer, but the end of a time of my life. A time where I had them all to myself! Every smile, giggle, frown or tantrum was a part of our relationship and days together. I'm now sending off my babies to spend more of their day without me than with. Let me tell you, it's ridiculously hard!! So much harder than I ever expected it to be! The time of "all mine! is drawing to an end.

While I understand the significance of their growth and the necessity to be on their own "some" day, I can't help, but think that it seems to have come so soon. I used to roll my eyes at the "it goes by so fast comment". That was when I was knee-deep in diaper changing, sleepless nights and never ending repetition of the early days and adapting to becoming a mother. I look back now with a greater wisdom in my eyes [and a few tears] and say, "Yes! it really does-all too soon!" I'll be hugging the little boys, a bit tighter for a few days while I adjust to the change.