Reflections

Sunday. It's 11am, I'm still in bed snuggling my little nursling. Warm cheek against my breast. Outside the door, a steady sound of controlled chaos creeps in, as the three older children play with their father. I don't want to wake up. I don't want this end. I don't want Monday to ever come. I've been up since 7am, these thoughts repeating in my head, as an endless cycle. One more hour. One more day. I miss my little girl [my only daughter] too much while she's off at school. Her little giggles do not echo through the house. Instead all I hear are the war cries of the boys. Boys and girls really are so very different! Monday means another day dropping her off. My heart cries, NO...stay, but instead I smile. It never reaches my eyes.

I lay here in bed holding my baby close. Baby number four. So many things I know now that I didn't with number one. so very many. Never grow old baby boy! Never age. Stay here in my arms like some mythological god, or peter pan-my babe. You smile and I know it's only time. Time whispers into my ears...school, college, independence, your own family someday. It's only a matter of time until I am no longer nuzzling your chubby feet. Instead I will be chasing your strong legs, as you learn to run. Running from me as I chase after you. Toddlerhood and on, and on. It's only a matter of time. A sadness washes over me as I realize this is the way it's supposed to be. I am lucky to know you, hold you, have you as mine, even if just for a little while.

I breathe a sigh, this idea doesn't bring me the comfort I seek. A sigh. A sigh for the things I cannot change. A sigh for my children, and mostly for me. Accept that Monday will come no matter how long I sit here in my make-shift nest. The one thing you cannot ignore is time. It comes whether celebrated or ignored. With one last kiss and a smile. We arise to see the rest of the family.

My heart still crying for tomorrow...

New Beginnings

These little feet have traveled far, over the past few years, but they have never traveled this far from Mama before.

With the start of school, I'm sending my only daughter off each day. She was so excited to be there-and not a tear, nor tinge of anxiety ever crossed her eyes. She disappeared into a sea of children without even a glance back to see the tears in her mothers eyes.

It's exciting & sad whirlwind all mixed up into one big emotion, I've never felt before. That's the thing about being a mother. As soon as you think you have something figured out or got it all together-you don't. I have been so used to having all my children at home with me-their entire lives. all four. Some of you may run screaming at the very idea, but I LOVED it! It's a new beginning with the family branching out into different directions, together, but physically apart at times.

The other day the kids and I were baking. While looking in the oven on our almost baked, cookies, Mr. {D} said: "Time sure does go fast sometimes, Mom". It sure does son, so much faster than you even know!


My little caterpillar is growing into a butterfly. Just don't fly too far, too quick, baby girl.

Reading

I am currently reading Buddhism for Mothers of Schoolchildren. I'm a huge fan of her other book, Buddhism for Mothers. It changed the way I thought about my new life as a mom & parenting. It helped me see the big picture rather than the small, day to day grievances. I come back to that book over & over again for inspiration and knowledge as my family grows.

I've been feeling so much anxiety & fear about sending the kids off to school, and I stumbled upon this on Amazon the other day. I'm hoping it will ease some of the fears and strengthen my knowledge that the kids are strong independent, little people. They need to go out into the world to blossom into the great people they will someday become.

I feel a lot more comfortable after meeting the teacher and seeing the environment that Miss {M} will be spending her days in. I'm hoping the book will help take care of the leftover "Mommy sadness": realizing that the little baby you were just holding is already going to start school. The first big transition into building their own life, separate from you. Exciting & sad all mixed in one. Where in the world did the past 5 years go?

In one week...

In one week, 7 little days, so much changed for us! I am sitting here, looking back on the week and everything new that happened.

{D} & {M} started school, "officially". They have a whole folder full of worksheets, projects and drawing that didn't exist a week ago. It's awesome to watch them learn and grow. I'm so happy we decided to homeschool. {D} is really interested in mammals right now, and {M} is picking up reading word after word, with little effort.

We had a few visits from the tooth fairy. She is becoming a regular at our house and I caught {D} trying to loosen some more teeth tonight. Loose teeth= a visit!

{L} had a sudden burst of speech this past week. He picked up about 10 new words. Bird, baa[for a sheep], watch out, feet and a few more. He learned the sign for elephant and has started pointing to his eyes, ears, mouth and feet when we ask him. He seems to be getting over the pain of his brother & sister starting school and being left out. He was so angry that the bigger kids seemed to be ignoring him all week, that he set out to get into as much trouble as he could find--and yes, he found A LOT!

It's easy to get caught up in the everyday hustle & bustle of life and miss the little things. More often than not, the little things are the important things. It was nice to take things a little slower, listen a little more to what the kids were saying and give out twice as many hugs! My sewing projects are beckoning me, so I just need to find a little time to squeeze into the studio and everything will be perfect.

So hug your kids and smile today!