Sprinkles

 Every so often, I stumble upon the kids playing to sweetly, or creatively that I feel as if my heart will burst with love. Seeing them act kindly with each other, when earlier they were battling. Helping each other, just because, no incentive or rewards mapped out. Watching them paint and draw and describe their imaginary worlds and dreams. These are the moments I want to savor. They are founds woven throughout the daily rhythms of our lives-sprinkled here and there for color. Treasured.

I found my daughter fast asleep the other day with her dolls still all lined up for their party of tea and cookies.    A small glimpse into her little world. My daughter, my only daughter-so very grown, but still so small. I wanted to collect her in my arms and rock her, like so many times in the early years of her life. I miss her sweet little face, all round with baby fat. Her pigtails bouncing around as she sings & goes about her daily life of play. I miss homeschooling and having all my children at my side every moment of the day. Her little laugh echoing through the house. So much of our time right now involves shuffling kids to and from school, therapy, errands.... life. I am once again reminded to slow down, take a deep breathe and live in the moment. Before I know it she will be 15, and I will be thinking back on this moment. Thinking of her as littler still, my little Sleeping Beauty, growing up faster than this Mama likes to admit.

Grateful

I'm feeling so grateful for my family today, So grateful for their strength and humor over the past few months.  I find strength in our unity and the helps to push me along when I need prodding. Everyday I look at these four little souls that I helped create and feel so lucky to get to know them, hold them, be important to them. The baby has started saying, I love you Mama. Always at just the right moment, without warning or desire to earn something. His sweetness is never lost on me.

I struggle with February, each year. The time seems to crawl along. Little light, many hours of darkness in the day-this year filled with rain. Some days I lack the strength to look ahead to the brighter, sun filled, warm days of spring that creep closer each hour. Silly little things become huge annoyances and issues to me this month. I have to constantly remind myself to breathe and focus. Things I would ignore any other time of the year, start to pick & pull at my psyche and eat away at the core. Children get tired of being cooped up in the house and start to agitate each other out of boredom. Mama's nerves are grated thin this time of year.

The past two weeks I think I've done a good job at keeping ahead of the tiredness of winter, {especially this non-snow filled one} that always arises. I've tried to minimize the tension with lots of laughs, silliness with the kids, and dancing. Dancing always lightens the mood.  The baby just started potty training this week. That alone has kept my hours filled with chasing after him, reading crouched on the bathroom floor for what feels like hours, and jumping up & down in excitement with my proud boy.

While February will never be my favorite month, this one has definitively been one of the easiest for me. I have so much to be thankful for and have made that my current focus...  but Spring, I really can't wait till you arrive. We're old friends, I miss you. Text me so I know you're on your way soon enough.

love.

Yesterday was a perfect day. It's been awhile since I had such a great day, just hanging out with the kids. We started the morning with some much needed, good new at therapy {and cookies}. That was followed by some impromptu, running in the falling snow at the park. The beautiful, fluffy, snowflakes descending on our tongues & hats. It was peaceful, and warmed my heart to see the boys so happy and giggling.

I've really missed the snow this year, and what better day to arrive than Valentine's Day. Lots of snuggles with the little ones to warm up tiny, cold toes and fingers, after our outdoor fun. After the older kids and Dad arrived from work and school, we quickly got to exchanging our handmade Valentines. The kids worked so hard on them this year {behind closed doors. no peeking mama}, and I was surprised and delighted by each and every one. pure love. I couldn't ask for a better day or a better family!

This moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Join in at Soulemama.

Snow

We finally have some snow again. It's "some" as in the most basic, barely there idea, but it does cover the whole ground. {that counts, this winter} Last year was full of snow days, driving trips to school that I gritted my teeth through, more snow days, snowmen, snowballs, snow days with hot cocoa, and all the fun that comes with snow. This year, not so much. Growing up in Cleveland, I never imagined a day I would ever wish for more snow, but it's arrived. I want just enough to cover up the muddy yards and brighten the gray days. {Please}

Little {L} is healing up well. The pain from is unfortunate accident has subsided a bit. Now we are juts left with an extra active kid, overly anxious to get rid of those silly bandages, and jump around. While it has been a little work reminding him to keep them on, I am thankful. Last year at this time, they would have lasted a whole 3 minutes {maybe} and the next few weeks I would have spent tearing my hair out over him breaking them open and re-injuring them. He's made a lot of progress since last year with his speech and temperament.  I'm so proud of him and how hard he's working. It's been a drastic change for the best for our family!

Weekend Knitting

 Spent the weekend keeping my hands busy & trying to keep my mind calm. Battling with strep, colds and lots of blahhh here. I have NEVER got through so many hats in such a short time period, even in kids sizes.  Sometimes when things are just all going all a little wrong, I need something concrete... something real to do. Something that I can see and hold and work through from start to finish. Often I finding reading comforting, but even that was escaping me this weekend. Maybe it means knitting, just a silly thing like a hat, but it allows me to have control over something when sometimes there is no control to be had anywhere else.

Our lives the past month has been a series of unfortunate events, one after another, after another. Sick kids, family issues, identity theft. .today Little {L} cut off his nail and part of his finger. Yeah, fun stuff like that. One after another, I think I may have an army of handknits when this spell ends. I'm keep my head high, for as crappy as things have been, there are FAR worse things out there. Things that I hope never brush against our doorstep. I have hope that "any day now".... hear that universe? ANY day now things will turn around for the better!

The hats are a mix of gifts for family & friends, and one to be sent off to the homeless shelter. I'm trying to get a few more children's hats finished for the shelter, while it's still pretty cold {we have awhile in Ohio still}. My favorite, is the one I'm wearing in the picture {although I really like the bloom at the top of the green one too}. Who knows, I may have ten more favorites by the time I'm done this month.

Be Mine

I gently wrap my finger around one of his curly, locks of hair. Reveling in the beauty & softness. I always wanted curls like these. Holding him tight, I wonder how I ever lived without these children. How I ever drew a single breath without thinking of them. That life, almost a distant memory in eight short years. I had no idea how much I could love before them. How open my heart would be for each & every one. Little fingers that hold onto my hand & heart.

Little bits of my heart for all to see. As with all joy, sometimes pain, a struggle. The struggle that makes it all worth it- fighting for happiness, perfection, joy. They came into this world through pain-pain and blood. I'd gladly do it over, ten fold for each. Loving them, means giving more than I think I have in me, at times. Finding each time that I have more than I thought to give. A total unrelenting, giving up of the "I" and becoming "we".  Be my friend. Be my advocate. Be my nurse, my playmate, my confidant, my protector. My Mother. Security, happiness, love, my everything. Be Perfect. Be Whole. Be Strong.

Busy hands

I've been keeping my hands busy to help quiet my mind lately. I've been feeling like I have not been "really" getting anything done, but when I see these all together here, it's much more than I realized. several others I've finished are not even here. 

I finally summoned the strength to cut into some of my most beloved {and expensive}, Heather Ross prints. I've been hoarding  saving, some for years now. I have no issue using making beautiful, expensive fabrics for Kunklebaby, or my children. The difference is I cut into these for me. I'm going to make a nice, cozy, throw quilt for me, and only me. Maybe a few pillows for my bed too. It's strange to think, I'd never spend as much money on a blanket as this one will cost. The fabric was a gift from my lovely husband... who I'll admit every once in awhile actually listens to me talk about silly things like fabric designers and the current trendy colors, or animals.

Welcome February

As I look back 

over my life

I am struck by post

           cards

Ruined snapshots

faded posters

Of a time, I can't recall

-Jim Morrison

I am working on putting January behind me. I hope the memory grows flimsy and transparent with time. The sting will dull, until all that remains is a small & distant picture in my head. Times passes. Does it heal all wounds? I think, no. It does allow them to fade and diminish in loudness & duration. They remain though, sitting below the surface, never quite gone. Able to to be cut deep into, if one knows the right tool. With time, a callous will form, disguising the original wound. Time goes on.

 I have welcomed this February as no other in my past. I welcome the change, and hope for the next month ahead. I've been thinking a lot about time lately and what it can bring us as it passes. My children grow. Strong legs, strong minds. I try to distract myself from the impermanence of it all. Someday, I too will be gone, and only a memory in their minds. A memory of faded snapshots, and soft spoken words. The future is theirs, I am just their bridge leading them to it. The days pass quickly, as they stretch higher to the sky. Each day growing in size and skills.

I think I am going to explore some of my thoughts on time in general,  this February. The longest, short month of the year. The start of the year has been a bit rough for us, but I have hope for the the rest of the year. It's darkest before dawn, and we are waiting for the sun, now.